Once upon a time ToS: Snow white
by falcon crest
Summary: Once upon a time there lived an evil queen… err, king named Yggdrasil. He was a very proud quee- king and proud of his looks. Every day he would look in his magic mirror.chapter 3 up! complete
1. Chapter 1

**Zelos and the four dwarves**

* * *

Once upon a time there lived an evil queen… err, king named Yggdrasil. He was a very proud quee- king and proud of his looks. Every day he would look in his magic mirror. And he would say "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" and every day a face with long blue hair would appear and say "you my queen." and every day Yggdrasil would say "KING!" but too late because, having answered the question, the image in the mirror had already faded.

Until one day, when he had asked "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" and the mirror answered "my queen," "-king" Ygdrasil interrupted. note caring for the diturbance it continued "you are beautiful indeed , but your looks are defeated." The que- king wouldn't accept that. He was the best; no one else could be as good looking as him. So he asked his mirror. "Who dares look better than me? Answer or I shall break thee!" the mirror answered "His name is Zelos and lives right near here my queen- my king"

Evil qu- king Yggdrasil was angry and called the hunter "Kratos! You better come here right now!" he said and the hunter Kratos came. "Yes my queen?" he asked "-king" Yggdrasil interrupted. "And I want you to lead Zelos in the Graochia forest, kill him and bring me his heart as proof" he added. "Yes my queen." The hunter answered. "It's KING! Not queen, K-I-N-G!" but it was lost since Kratos had already left.

So Kratos went hunting for Zelos, it wasn't hard. Zelos was doing his daily activity near the fountain. He was flirting. "Zelos." Kratos said. "Follow me to the forest; there is something we must do there." He said. Zelos shrugged. "Sorry, I don't swing that side, and I have hunnies to tend to here." Understanding that bringing him to the forest peacefully was impossible, Kratos hit Zelos' head and knocked him out. Before completely losing his consciousness, Zelos managed to say: "Not the head, girls love the head."

So Kratos and Zelos were in the forest. Once Zelos woke up, as a man of honor, Kratos asked him: "Do you have any last words?" while unsheathing a blade. Zelos understood the situation he was in. So he did what anyone would do: plead for his life. "You can't kill me, I'm too handsome, and there would be blood on my face and that would make it disgusting and…" one hour later "…besides, there are still so many hunnies out there just waiting for me…" another hour later "… and it would be such a loss to human kind…" yet another hour later "…so that's why you can't kill me. Hey, are you listening?" he asked. Kratos was asleep.

* * *

CUT

FC: that wasn't the plot I wanted!

Zelos: But- but, I was going to die.

FC: that was the whole point!

Zelos: that's mean you know, girls won't like you if you do that.

FC: Anyway, how can you be so boring and talk about yourself for so long that someone who can't sleep anymore falls asleep?

Zelos: it's because I'm great

FC: shut up!

Zelos: fine! (walks away)

* * *

So Zelos was safe thanks to a fluke. But he was lost in the forest. "Oh, what am I going to do? So many monsters! And I'm lost and alone" he whined. But no monsters were going to attack him BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL ASLEEP (A/N: sheesh, how boring can a story actually be???). And he walked around in the endless path that keeps making loops, thus ensuring himself to never find his way out.

* * *

Zelos: that's not nice

FC: like I care, now don't interrupt the story anymore.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kratos woke up. And he knew he was in serious trouble. He needed to bring Zelos' heart back and he failed his mission. Big deal, he would just bring another heart back to evil king Yggdrasil the queen. Anyway Yggdrasil wouldn't notice the difference, so he slayed a pig and took the heart.

* * *

Grimm brothers: a pig? This is an insult to the original story!

FC: yes, but this is Zelos we're talking about.

Grimm brothers: oh, well, yes, that does make sense after all.

Zelos: what do you mean "it makes sense"?

FC: sorry if you two felt insulted.

Zelos: listen to me.

Grimm brothers: no, don't worry, no problem, you had a good reason

Zelos: quit ignoring me!

FC & Grimm brothers: shut up!

Zelos: (becomes white and shuts up)

* * *

So Kratos went back to the castle and brought evil king Yggdrasil the queen and brought him back the pig's heart. "I have come back my queen" but he was interrupted "-king!" Yggdrasil interrupted. "I have brought you Zelos' heart."Kratos finished his sentence. Evil queenish king Yggdrasil laughed a maniacal laugh. "So, you brought me that pig's heart… At last Zelos is dead!" he boomed.

* * *

Zelos: what do you mean "pig"?

FC: that's what you are. Anyway I already told you not to interrupt the story.

* * *

And with that, Kratos stood up "I will now take my leave, my queen-" Yggdrasil rubbed his temples "It's king, god damn it, king. You got it? KING!" but once again, that was lamely said to thin air since Kratos had already left the room.

* * *

FC: Ok, guys, so what do you think of your roles

Yggdrasil: Why do I get this role?

FC: You're a queen/king are you complaining?

Yggdrasil: Yes! Not only did you give me the bad role _again_ but you're saying I'm a _queen_

FC: A tall person, with a very slight silhouette and long flowing golden hair…

Yggdrasil: That sounds like a pretty lady.

FC: I was talking about you. See, perfect description for a queen. And I already told you: you're an evil villain you're born for the role of the evil villain. Now, GET OUT! NEXT-

Yggdrasil: (walks away muttering elfish insults)

Yuan: Why am I a mirror?

FC: Because I wanted you to. NEXT-

Kratos: My role has no problems, is there a trick somewhere?

FC: No, you're just a minor role, I didn't bother making it completely twisted

Yuan: mine is even more minor and you _did_ twist

FC: yeah but I felt like it so just shut up, besides, why are you even talking? You're supposed to be a normal mirror if no one asks you anything, and I certainly did _not_ ask anything so… (turns the mirror around pointing it towards the wall.

Yuan: (muffled sounds)

FC: yes, yes, whatever… NEXT-

Zelos: I knew you would appreciate me, I got lead role AND I'm the best looking.

FC: Yeah, I know, everyone can make mistakes. I should have sorted the roles out better, but I'll catch up on my mistake… (laughs evilly)

Zelos: I don't like the way you laugh…

FC: you know what? You're right…


	2. Chapter 2

FC: where was the story already?

Yggdrasil: you decided that I was a king.

FC: Yeah, right, you wish.

Yggdrasil: I've had it with being called a queen.

FC: fine… I'll stop calling you queen.

Yggdrasil: good… and to thank, you, I'll tell you where you were. I had just received Zelos' heart.

FC: Well then, let's continue to the next part.

* * *

After being trapped in the path with a loop, Zelos was whining… for a change. But, sadly, four dwarves were coming back from the exsphere mines. (A/N: and they better give me a GOOD reason why they were in the forest instead of being near the mines). "What's this?" asked the first dwarf. "I don't know, let's bring it home in our secret house and check out" said another and they picked up Zelos and brought them to their secret hideout in the middle of the forest… (A/N: why did they _have _to live in the forest? (Sobs)).

Zelos woke up. He was in a cottage. Four people were looking at him. And then came the cliché questions: "Where am I? Who are you?" he asked. The brunette person, who seemed to be the leader answered: "You are in our secret cottage in the middle of the Graochia forest, and we are the four dwarves who live here." He said. Zelos looked them all up and down. "You two seemed to be too tall to be dwarves." He commented pointing to the brunette person dressed in red and the blond, blue eyed girl dressed in white next to him. "Yeah, well, we're a rare species of giant dwarves." The brunette dismissed the comment.

"Anyway, I'm Denso, she's Klutzo" he pointed to the blond haired girl. "He's Smarto" he said pointing to a small, normal sized, silver haired and pointy eared dwarf. "And she's Silento" he finished, pointing to an equally small, female pink haired dwarf.

* * *

Lloyd: hey, there's a problem here!

FC: what is it now? If you make any more mistakes, I'm first going to have some aspirin and then throw you off a cliff

Colette: but he's right.

FC: careful with what I'm going to hear, you're also candidate for the cliff.

Genis: why are our names changed? Don't you keep the original names in your fics?

FC: hey, you're actually right…

Presea: …

* * *

Well, let's rewind a paragraph, shall we?

"Anyway, I'm Lloyd, she's Colette" he pointed to the blond haired girl. "He's Genis" he said pointing to a small, normal sized, silver haired and pointy eared dwarf. "And she's Presea." he finished, pointing to an equally small, female pink haired dwarf.

"Hey isn't it dangerous to keep him here? I heard that evil cute princess- king Yggdrasil wanted him dead." Genis, who seemed to be the brains of the group said. "But we must help people in need, even if evil cute princess- king Yggdrasil wants him dead." Colette answered. "So what shall we do?" Lloyd asked Genis. "Simple, either he leaves because we don't want evil cute princess- king Yggdrasil to come here… or he stays and helps us out." Genis said. Lloyd liked the idea. "Yeah, good idea. You can stay, but you'll have to do the household chores. Last time Colette did them we had to repair the hole in the wall. And you'll be paying a rent of 1.000 gald per night. And don't open the door to strangers." Lloyd said.

"Well, we're going mining, we'll come back late, so just clean the dishes while you're waiting." Said Lloyd. "Good bye" said Colette. And she tripped. It would have been a good move if she had actually tripped on Lloyd, because catching her would make him look heroic. But she fell on the other side, on the porcelain tea set. "Sorry" she said.

* * *

Yggdrasil: What's this "cute princess" about???

FC: I stopped calling you "queen", didn't I?

Yggdrasil: this is much worse

FC: shall we go back to "queen" then?

Yggdrasil: I hate you.

FC: music to my ears.

Zelos: (barges in) what's this about household chores.

FC: you need to be useful to _someone_ so just go back to cleaning the dishes

Zelos: I refuse

FC: fine, I won't force you.

Zelos: (looks at FC suspiciously) you won't?

FC: no, I won't, and I'll even protect you from evil queen Yggdrasil

Yggdrasil: KING!

Zelos: really?

FC: yeah. A bit of sulfuric acid on your face and he won't want to kill you anymore.

Yggdrasil: great idea!

Zelos: fine, I get it… (Goes back in the cottage and continues washing dishes that haven't been washed for the last ten years)

* * *

Later that day, evil queen- king Yggdrasil asked his mirror: "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" and the mirror answered "my queen-" "KING!" "-you are beautiful, but your looks are defeated." The que- king wouldn't accept that. He was the best; no one else could be as good looking as him. And Zelos was supposedly dead. So he asked his mirror. "Who dares look better than me? Answer or I shall break thee!" the mirror answered "It's still Zelos, and he's in a top secret dwarvish hideout in the middle of Graochia forest, my queen." The mirror said. "It's king! For god's sake, if you and that stupid hunter weren't my companions long ago, I would have the two of you beheaded by now." And the mirror answered "whatever."

Deciding to ignore his mirror's insubordination, he called out for witch Raine. "Pronyma, my trusted handmaid and advisor, call out for the witch Raine." She bowed. "Yes my king" she answered. So Pronyma called out for Raine but she did not come. Pronyma came back and explained. "She's exploring ruins again and won't be back for a month my king."

* * *

FC: hey, you're supposed to call him "queen"!

Pronyma: my loyalty is directed to my king and none else, not even to you, the author of the fic!

Yggdrasil: you cannot control everyone!

FC: shut up, I have insubordination here and it doesn't put me in a good mood, so if you annoy me, you'll be the one receiving the sulfuric acid on your face.

Yggdrasil: (goes pale and shuts up)

FC: Oh well, it's the end of the chapter anyway, so why do I care? By the way, Pronyma, you're definitely NOT getting a role in the next chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

Yggdrasil: we were going to-

FC: -I didn't ask, so shut up. I know where we were. You had pathetically missed Raine.

Yggdrasil: Yeah well…

FC: shut up!

Yggdrasil: are you still sour because Pronyma called me "king"?

FC: I said "SHUT UP"! One more word and you're getting the sulfuric acid.

Yggdrasil: (grumbles) it isn't my fault that you're a sour loser.

* * *

Back to the story

One month later, Raine had come back from her exploration. King Yggdrasil the queen was there to meet her. "I want you to make poison and kill Zelos with it." Witch Raine had a problem with that. "I can't make poisons, my specialty is healing." But king Yggdrasil the queen wasn't unduly worried. "Just make me a smoothie." Witch Raine didn't understand too well, but whatever, if her q- king asked something, then she would do it. That's how she unknowingly made poison.

Later on, she came back with an eggplant and pineapple peel smoothie. King Yggdrasil the queen knew of the latest trends and he knew that gold bracelets were the latest trend for men. So he dipped a gold bracelet in the smoothie and called witch Raine again. "If I remember correctly, your brother is a Graochia dwarf. Well, go visit him and give this to Zelos." He said as he gave her the gold bracelet. "As you wish my quee- king." She answered

And so witch Raine went to the top secret cottage in the Graochia forest. The three dwarves weren't home yet. So she said "Hi" and "Bye" and gave Zelos the bracelet. Now, you could believe that Zelos didn't know what the latest trends were since he was in that cottage for a month. But he was subscribed to "handsome guy weekly" magazine. So he knew everything that was 'popular with the chicks' as he would say. So he put the bracelet on. But there was Raine's cooking on the bracelet, one of the most deadly poisons ever. So Zelos got immediately knocked out.

One month, that was the time the four dwarves needed to come back from their mine. "Geez, Colette how can you cause a cave in just by tripping? We were stuck there for a whole month!" Lloyd complained. "Sorry" was Colette's answer. So they got off their rehairds and parked them at the entrance of the forest (A/N: Damn it, I should have anticipated they had rehairds. That's how they can live so far from the mines.)

When they were home they saw something they didn't like. Zelos was slacking off, and he had even got himself a new bracelet. Genis and Lloyd agreed on this fact. He needed to be punished. He wasn't supposed to sleep while he had a job to do! So they confiscated his bracelet and Zelos suddenly woke up.

But there was a weird smell. Only Genis could smell it, because he had been used to smell it when he was young. So he sniffed the bracelet. "Did my sister come?" he asked. Zelos answered that indeed she did come and that she was a gorgeous beauty and that a fireball hurts a lot. "Don't hit on my sister." Genis told him, still holding his hot kendama. He turned to the other three dwarves. "Evil qu- king Yggdrasil has sent my sister here… Zelos was poisoned!" there was a terrible silence, broken only by the sound of someone tripping and breaking a mahogany table. "Sorry…" said Colette.

Wow! The plot is going on normally! Ahem, back to the story.

For the I-don't-know-how-many-eth time, king Yggdrasil the queen asked his mirror, the usual question asked his: "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" and the mirror answered "my queen-" "KING!" "-you are beautiful, but your looks are defeated." The que- king wouldn't accept that. He was the best; no one else could be as good looking as him. "Who dares look better than me? Answer or I shall break thee!" the mirror answered "It's still Zelos, my queen-" The mirror said. "-king! Why don't you understand it? King! King! Kiiing!" And the mirror answered "Yeah, whatever. Anyway, your poison plan didn't work." But evil king Yggdrasil the queen had more resources. "Pronyma, tell witch Raine to come." But Pronyma didn't answer. "Respond to your king!" but still nothing.

* * *

Yggdrasil: it's your doing, right?

Pronyma: why am I not by my king's side?

FC: Hey, guys, I already said this; Pronyma is not going to appear in this chapter.

Yggdrasil: I knew you were a sour loser but this is pushing it too far!

FC: now where did I put the sulfuric acid already?

Pronyma and Yggdrasil: (turn blank and run away)

FC: Perfect, back to the story then.

* * *

So evil king Yggdrasil the queen moved his evil seraphinic butt off his throne and went down to Raine's laboratory where she was studying extracts from her latest ruins. She was manipulating weird rocks and whatnot. "Witch Raine…" he said "I want you to make an apple pie." She nodded. "'Careful where you put your hand my que- king. That's TNT over there." And evil king Yggdrasil the queen gingerly took his hand off the big box.

So Raine baked an apple pie. King Yggdrasil the queen, while completely mad, was not stupid. So he planned something to be sure that Zelos would it the pie. He made one for himself. And now… one last thing. He transformed into a cute nice looking boy. He decided the name would be Mithos. First smoothies, then an apple pie, and now a child transformation. herque- king was acting weird... but, oh well, as long as he gave her funds to explore ruins, she could care less about his sanity.

And so king Yggdrasil the queen went to the top secret dwarvish cottage under the form of the cute nice looking boy Mithos and came in when all the dwarves were mining.

He knocked on the door. No answer. He knocked again. Still no answer. He kicked the door. And suddenly… there still was a complete absence of answer. "Open the door for god's sake!" cute nice little looking boy Mithos yelled. And Zelos, veeery slowly opened the door "Yes, what is it?" he asked. And cute nice looking boy Mithos smiled. "I have pie. Do you want some?" Zelos considered it. "No." he answered. "Do you think there's poison?" cute nice looking boy Mithos asked. "Might be. Got poisoned once, don't want it to happen again." Zelos answered. "Then look, you see, I'm going to eat an identical pie and prove that it isn't poisoned." cute nice looking boy Mithos said.

* * *

Yggdrasil: I don't like how this is going. I'm going to eat the wrong pie and end up dying, right?

FC: don't interrupt the story.

Zelos: Hey that's a great idea. Like that I'll be able to go back and tend to my hunnies in Meltokio.

Lloyd: Not so fast, you still haven't finished cleaning the dishes.

Zelos: oh, bother!

FC: hey, you guys are interrupting just for this? Let's get back to the story before I choose to change the plot and make a meteorite land and destroy the whole world!

Everyone: (become blank and shut up)

FC: perfect, that's more like it.

* * *

So Mithos ate the RIGHT, not poisoned, pie. Zelos took that as sufficient proof and bit the completely deadly and hyper poisonous pie and he fell dead right away. Cute nice looking little boy Mithos took back his true king Yggdrasil the queen form and laughed maniacally. "I did it, I did it! I finally killed Zelos!" he said and laughed again. He then went back to his castle.

A couple hours later the fours dwarves came back from the mine and saw Zelos on the floor. He had a half pie in his hand. Genis looked at everyone. "I have something to say… he ate the pie. He swallowed my sister's cooking. He's dead." They all gasped and then Genis shrugged. "Oh well, too bad. Now what?" Lloyd didn't seem very much affected either. "I dunno he _was_ pretty useful." But the truth was that actually it seemed like no one cared.

* * *

Raine: what's that about my cooking being poison?

FC: did you ever taste it?

Raine: well… not really…

FC: well then you should, and don't forget and antidote.

Zelos: what do you mean "no one cares"? I'm the hero, right? I shouldn't be dead.

Yggdrasil: the story is over and I won! I am the greatest!

FC: WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP! I still have a few paragraphs.

* * *

Back to the story, in the dwarf cottage.

So all four dwarves were doing their best, and pathetically failing, to try to hide the fact they didn't care about this man's death. And suddenly someone broke the funeral silence. "Well, if he's dead, then I suppose I should do the household chores." Colette said. Suddenly everyone became pale. Colette? Holding expensive china and fragile crystal? Trying to clean the windows? Their worst nightmares would come true. Complete and utter destruction of the cottage. "We need to save him" said Lloyd. "Yes, immediately, before it's too late." Answered Genis. "Ok, I'm going to get a princess or something." "Right, go to Mizuho, they have a daughter of a village chieft, that should do the job. AND HURRY! time's getting low!" genis advised. lloyd nodded and went there immediately.

He came back not even a half hour later. He was out of breath and he was holding a dark haired woman. "She's the village chief. It's just like a princess, right?" he said between two gasps of air. "Ok, so Sheena, revive him, please!" he said in a desperate tone. Sheena knew what she had to do. She pinched Zelos' nose and breathed in his mouth. Then she pressed his plexus with her two hands, and she started doing it again, repeating the CPR process until he would either resurrect or become cold. As she was repeating the process, Zelos opened his eyes and apparently, breathed back. He murmured something in Sheena's ear. She stood up and kicked him-

* * *

FC: Wow!

Genis: Ouch... poor Zelos.

Lloyd: Oh my god! That has _got_ to hurt.

Zelos: (tries to say something but is too hurt to be able to talk) ...

Sheena: He deserved it.

FC: Sheena, my dear Sheena... while I do, indeed like Zelos abuse... I do wonder what he said for you to hit him _there_.

Sheena: That's none of your buisness!

FC: Geez, fine...

* * *

Finally, again, king Yggdrasil the queen asked his mirror: "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" and the mirror answered "my queen-" "KING!" "-you are beautiful, but your looks are defeated." The que- king wouldn't accept that. He was the best; no one else could be as good looking as him. Was it Zelos? But he was dead. He had made sure of it. He saw his limp body. How could he have survived? "Who dares look better than me? Annoy me and I shall break thee!" the mirror answered "It's still Zelos, and he's just received CPR, my queen." The mirror said. "It's king! Seriously, how many times should I tell you before you get it?" evil king Yggdrasil the queen said. "Yeah, right, whatever, but you really do suck at poisoning people, don't you?" Yggdrasil was very annoyed. so he took out a hammer and started swinging it. "I told you not to annoy me!" he said and smashed the magic mirror to smitherins.

* * *

Yuan: Hey, what did I do? Why did you do that?

FC: I needed to sacrifice you in order to get a perfect ending... and by the way, don't you _dare_ complain or I'll make some kind of demented artist come, take all the pieces, melt them and then forge a Zelos statue out of them.

Yuan: You wouldn't dare

FC: Do you think I'm not cruel enough?

Yuan: ...

FC: I think we have a deal then.

* * *

What king Yggdrasil the queen did was a very bad move because one of the mirror shards landed in his arm and made him bleed seriously. So he took on a journey to go to the basement to witch Raine's laboratory, after all... she _did say her spacialty was healing, right?_ On his way, he tripped on a carpet and went rolling down the stairs at which point he bumped his head against the floor. A cook who happened to be passing by was so surprised that he threw a chocolate cake in the air which landed straight in king Yggdrasil the queen's face. Once he managed to go to witch Raine's laboratory a loose stone fell on his foot and he came, jumping on one foot to her desk. On the desk was a note saying _I have left for a few months for to discover more ruins. Since the journey is longer, the equipment will be twice the usual price._ And since Pronyma had annoyed the author in the previous chapter, she wasn't in this chapter and could therefor not help her king.

* * *

Yggdrasil: How much longer will I have to suffer like this?

FC: You just broke a mirror... seven more years of bad luck.

Yggdrasil: Stupid superstition! Who believes in those things anyway? (slips on an banana peel) This is your doing, right?

FC: Good luck, only 2622 more days to go.

* * *

Now, let's end this story shall we?

So... since Zelos owed his life (more or less) to the four dwarves who protected him from king Yggdrasil the queen (more or less) and helped revive him (more or less) by getting a kind of princess (once again, this only more or less.) And he was a man of honor -or, if you prefer: someone smart enough to know that king Yggdrasil the queen would still hunt him- he (was) volunteered to be the dwarves' maid for the rest of his life.

And they lived happily ever after. I am, of course, talking about the dwarves.

THE END

* * *

FC: Ok, so here's the traditional end of fic staff meeting. Let's hear what you have to say.

Raine: Putting aside the rude comments about my cooking... I see you helped out with my studies.

FC: Yep. NEXT-

Zelos: Why? Why? Why? Wasn't I the hero of this fic? So why such cruelty? WHY?

FC: Nope, not the _hero_, just the _main character_, which you were. So stop whining. NEXT-

Yggdrasil: You made me suffer. _Again_.

FC: Yeah, I know, isn't the fanfic great? NEXT-

Kratos: I'm glad my role was not twisted

FC: As I said, it was too bothersome to twist it. NEXT-

Yuan: (silent)

FC: Good, you keeps your deals. NEXT-

Genis, Lloyd & Colette: We like our roles.

FC: I know, so did I. NEXT-

Presea:...

FC: Yeah... whatever... Ok, so once again, I have _calmly _and_ objectively_ listened to the staff, I will say this: I hope all of you like this fic.

* * *

FC: Oh, by the way, a bit of publicity for another one of my fics.

Raine: You're not going to show _that,_ are you?

FC: Why not? Its pretty popular. Anyway, here's Raine's recipe book. Smoothies are chapter 12 and apple pie is chapter 9.

Raine: Please don't show it.

FC: here's the link. .net/secure/story/story_?storyid=4703651


End file.
